I don’t know how she could come back positive and I came back negative, but my blood-work shows I don’t have herpes. We’ve been having sex off and on since… what? 2004? That’s 7 years of hard fucking, tender lovemaking, quickies and waking up mid-sex in the middle of the night.
She still thinks that she hasn’t done anything wrong. As far as she was concerned her herpes had “gone away” so there wasn’t really any reason to tell me about it. I know that’s completely wrong, but I can’t convince her of that.
The fact that she seems to think she’s on some higher moral ground continues to fuck with my head like some dark dialectic. A dialectic, if you don’t know, is a range of opposites like white/black, good/evil, or happy/sad. I’ve got an angry/sad dialectic — the emotions I feel are somewhere on that range, from seething anger to debilitating depression.
I’m a pretty strong, independent kind of guy. It takes a lot to knock me out of the saddle, but this… this isn’t good. You see, my “fun distractions” aren’t just fucking someone — I like to think that I’m connecting with someone on a level that’s more than just rutting pleasure. And when I get to know someone intimately, exploring every crook and cranny of not only their body but their soul, I like to think that it’s something that deepens my understanding of myself, as well.
So while I know this wasn’t an intentional betrayal in her mind, it is a betrayal — and it’s a hit to my own soul. What I thought I understood, the depths I thought I had explored, turned out to be… wrong.
This is, indeed, one of those Nietzsche-esque moments — it will either destroy me or make me stronger. But I worry about the strength I may learn from this. Are we talking Paul Simon, “I am a Rock” strength where nothing can hurt me because I won’t let anything touch me? Or brittle strength like steel that’s been tempered at the wrong temperature?
At the same time, it would be easier if I was completely shattered. But there is more to a relationship than where you dick goes. There’s more to living together than sharing a bed. If I never have sex with her again, she’s still my closest friend.
And that’s the problem with dialectics, even dark ones. It’s easier when there are absolutes, yes/no, right/wrong. But life is lived somewhere in between the absolutes, and that makes it worth living. And really complicated.
BTW, if you missed it, here’s the fist half of this blog Oh, by the way, I have herpes
Comments
I don’t think we can ever finish exploring each other’s nooks and crannies any more than we can finish becoming who we are. I don’t usually apply “wrong” to my misconceptions as much as I use the phrase “new information” …another piece to the puzzle that is this other person. Pieces that fit a year ago may not fit now…they may not have been wrong at the time.
She threw you a curve ball…a nasty one but still, a surprise pitch. Questions begged…what happened when she found out about having herpes? Was she angry? How did she feel about it? How did the person who gave it to her get it? Was she betrayed at the time or aware?
You’ve written it before – people who live complex lives come with all kinds of physical, emotional and mental ailments. Cuts, bruises, festering soars…and, of course, STDs. Whether they are physical, emotional or mental they have to be dealt with eventually if you have any depths in the relationship at all.
Fair warning to the rest of us though – it’s easy to back down when he gets pissed because you pull out a condom. Suddenly sex isn’t fun anymore because you went safe. I did it once but I won’t be doing it again.
FD
You are in a conundrum. As you said, in life there are no absolutes … just varying hues that get lost in the diversity of colors. Hope you figure this one out.