I had this little mole on my face that was bugging me. My doc said I should probably have a dermatologist look at it as “hmmm, those cells look kind of basal to me…”
Always nice to get a casual, “Looks like you have cancer” comment.
So I waited a month to get in to see a dermatologist worrying the whole time about how people let moles go and then find out they have 3 months to live. A nice intern kind of guy got me going, and then asked me to slip into the ever sexy hospital gown. I’m not a vain guy, nor am I particularly shy, but… the absurdity of the gown easily kicks my vanity nerve and, not being shy, my thought is… really?
The whole gown thing turned out to be stupid anyhow. Dr. Perky comes in and I swear the guy is like a character from Saturday Night Live. No, make that Mad TV — completely over the top energetic with chemically perfect skin and what looks like a bad dye job and just way too fucking excited about his work.
“Let’s take a look!!!” Next thing I know I have the gown tossed back, then I lift up the bottom, then I just drop the whole thing so I can drop my underwear.
“Okay, flip ‘em to the left… Great! Now to the right! Perfect!!! Say… did you have some jock itch recently?”
He decides to freeze the mole off my face — it’s not cancer but he just knows for sure that I don’t want it there. So his much mellower assistant gets a canister of liquid nitrogen or whatever the hell it is that they use to freeze bits of skin off patients. Doc Ecstatic grabs it and keeps spraying himself in the face — I thought it was some kind of, “look, nothing to be worried about” demonstration, but then I just decided he was a freak.
I mean, here I am, sitting around in just my underwear at this point, and Dr. Energy Drink is having some kind of rave experience with the medical blower while his latin man servant looks on kind of embarrassedly.
{PfShhht} {pfshttthf}… a bit of a sting, and then he says, “You know what, I don’t really like this one on your chest, either. C’mon, let me hit it. I won’t charge you for it!” So I let him hit it thinking it sounded like getting a freebie from a hooker. An aging, coked out, freaky ass hooker.
Modern science is great. Just great.
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…turn around…