Cock and balls and underwear

I know I’ve written on the topic of my big balls, but they seem to be hanging particularly low and to the right at the moment…

Part of the problem is modern underwear — okay, actually, part of the problem is that my underwear is falling somewhat into antiquity and I need to get some new underwear. But the problem with getting new underwear is finding something that supports and minimizes.

While you could refer to my cock and balls as a “pack and play” because everything collapses for travel and then comes out in a big way for play time, there’s still a lot of volume to deal with. Most men, I suppose, want to show a little more volume in their package — me, I need to get that volume under control.

So many varieties of men’s underwear just aren’t going to do squat for me. Let’s start with the idea of loose boxer shorts, which is about the same “going commando” for me. It’s rather like a Newton’s cradle… you know, the physics toy where you hit one ball and the ball on the other end goes flying. Still works with just two balls… and it’s pretty damn uncomfortable.

(Side note: while trying to remember that the toy was called a “Newton’s Cradle” I looked up “executive ball clicker” and found on Urban Dictionary that executive ball clicker is a euphemism for “when two guys are double penetrating a girl and their balls knock together.” I love the Internet…)

But then there are these briefs that seem to want to lift the whole package, put it in a little pouch and shove it forward like a torpedo. Sure, I want to put my torpedo in your tube, but I also know that walking into a room preceded by a jutting penile and testicular protrusion is not the way to a woman’s heart, or vagina, for that matter.

I hate “tidy whities” though — that being the classic men’s white briefs that are so reminiscent of diapers that it almost excuses a man who leaves shitty racing stripes in the seat… almost, but, dude, it’s still nasty. They do generally give me enough support to keep my balls from drooping down my trouser leg, and enough room to spread out that it doesn’t look like I have moles piling up dirt in my crotch.

When I found black briefs I thought, ah, there’s the ticket. But there’s something seriously sleazy about black briefs on pale skin and I started calling them “tacky blackies.”

Boxer briefs seem to be the way to go — they’re basically tidy whities with legs and they come in a variety of colors. Unfortunately they come in a variety of torpedo support through commando lack of support and there isn’t much way to know until my balls are in the wrong place…

But I’d say there are many more places that would count as “the wrong place” for my balls to be than in my trouser leg or the next room…

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Comments

  • OregonMJW  On September 11, 2010 at 3:16 am

    It’s funny to think that a man can experience something roughly analogous to a woman’s difficulty managing rather large breasts. I feel your pain.

    There is almost nothing that can make me more tired by the end of the day than wearing one of my slightly more attractive, but way less supportive bras. I have one that I truly love, that offers both comfortable support and beauty – a lovely pale apple green lace job, with a sturdy, but silky 3-hook closing at the back. I wear it to death and sometime it just needs to rest; or I rinsed it out too late at night for it to air dry properly, and it’s still slightly damp. I am then left with the choice something that cuts my shoulders with thin straps, pokes me with a misaligned under wire, and feels like an ever tightening band of pain around my midsection by the end of the day. There is only one benefit to be had from a bra like that: it feels sooo good to take it off when I get home! I’ve even been known to unhook the little monster in my car as soon as I’ve cleared my last shopping stop.

    I can’t say I’d given a lot of thought to the technical aspects of comfortably supporting the sensitive appendages unique to men. A review of only one or two websites offering men’s undergarments, made it quickly obvious that being obvious was the name of the game. A little consult with a swimsuit designer and a sensitive seamstress might result in a line of mens wear that would be profitably appreciated by many others. Necessity is still the mother of invention.

    Given your preference for biking to and from work over a rather arduous course of steep hills and dramatically awful traffic, I would think there were days when you really didn’t want to take off those snug lycra bike shorts (Sorry, I just imagine you wearing them.)

    At the end of the day we’re really all a little more alike than we might have thought. Basically, it just feels good to take it off, doesn’t it?

    • gooddump  On September 11, 2010 at 9:58 pm

      I’m assuming that you wouldn’t want to wear a sports bra for the same reason that I wouldn’t want to wear bike shorts at times other than when I’m being active — sure they hold the globes in place (your kind or mine) but the constant compression isn’t really that comfortable in the long run.

      I think we’re getting closer in our modern world, but the state of comfortable under garments still says “primitive culture” to me…

  • Danielle [Left of Lost]  On September 20, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Executive Ball Clicker? omg, dying over here.

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